10 days left

That entry I wrote the other day (albeit originally for my other blog – yes ASP, I cheat on you sometimes) really kicked me in the butt (Sjoerd too, actually) and I’ve rededicated myself to finishing this bastard.

I’m still struggling through a lot of attention deficit problems, but the rededication is there which I think is the most important thing. I’m pretty sure with that I can pull out whatever I need to to make it happen. I’m nervous, but…I’m Pretty sure.

If I do manage to complete the task, let’s just say it’ll be a massive accomplishment. I hit the 25,000-word mark tonight. 25,000 of 50,000. Halfway done.

Still halfway to go, and only one-third of the month, ten short days, left to do it. I thought this would be no problem because I can go off on a blog post about my day or my thoughts, or an email, or a chat conversation (lol), and have 5,000 words to my name before I’ve even stopped to blink. But even writing without an editor yammering on in my ear has been difficult for this task, when I know I have to do it. That’s been an interesting and surprising learning experience. Also not only knowing I have to do it, but I have to do it in a certain way (to achieve my own objectives, not someone else’s or anything). I probably still could go on for thousands of words (and pages) about my FEELINGS and shit, or rambly sort of memories and reflections on things. But I have reached a point in my “career” where I do have to dial in a bit more structure to move towards a realistically objectively interesting sort of piece. We’re still a long fucking ways off of that anyway, but no need to make it harder on myself than it’s going to be anyway with just giving myself another few hundred words of thought process to muddle through; this time I need processed thought. Otherwise I’ve got (I counted) 650 pages of Asia Journal at the ready. It IS tempting to just straight up take that and chuck it into the Publishing Machine, I have to be honest. It would be deadly to me on so many levels, but fuck it, it would be easier and I’m pretty sure it would be compelling reading, maybe even moreso that I can hack when I try to do it conscientiously. What’s better than a person’s deepest, darkest and rawest?

Anyway, I’ll try to capture those elements still, but just in narrative form, with this book.

I just…fuck I feel like I’ve cut my work out for myself with this one, with this project. Not just for this blog, but this one that I knew I was going to do from the moment I started planning the trip 5 years ago. I didn’t know what form it would take, or what the story would end up being, but I knew there would be one, and jesus so there is. I’m making progress, putting one foot in front of the other and just trying to put one word down, one line down, one paragraph down, one page down, one 1000-word batch down, making my way that rest of the 25,000 word way to 50k in 10 more days. But in all honesty I still feel like I’m lost at sea and drowning a bit.

I know it’s because I care so much about this thing happening. This thing is real; this thing is me.